How to Devise a Winning Excuse for Your Losing Team

As a sports fan, my life has been spotted with many great moments. There was the surprise run by my Panthers to Super Bowl XXXVIII, Duke’s three NCAA basketball championships, and the White Sox finally capturing the World Series after an 88-year drought. However, for the ups we experience as fans, downs are almost a guarantee, and nothing is more disappointing than a losing season. When that occasional underachieving season (or two, or three…) rolls around, there’s nothing a fan needs more than to be well equipped in the art of making an excuse for their losing team.

1. Injuries. Injuries are the oldest, most foolproof excuse in the book. Why? Sports, for the most part, involve contact. Someone, anyone, is bound to get hurt. If a star player gets hurt, your job here is easy.
Ex. Team: 2006 Carolina Panthers.
Record: 8-8 (failed to reach postseason)
Key Injuries: WR Steve Smith, QB Jake Delhomme, LB Dan Morgan
Excuse: With big-play threat Steve Smith out for the first game, no other receivers stepped up, and the sputtering offense sent the Panthers to an 0-2 start. Backup Chris Weinke couldn’t step in serviceably for Delhomme, who missed three games with ligament damage in his thumb in the middle of a late season playoff push. The defense was hampered by the loss of linebacker Dan Morgan, a vocal leader on and off the field, who was injured in the opener and out for the season.
Additional Tips: Mention plays that the star athlete would have made had they
been healthy enough to play. Throw around the stats of the no-names who couldn’t fill their places. It especially helps if you can mention how low on the depth chart the player started the season, i.e. “He was our sixth string running back in the preseason. SIXTH STRING!”

2. Coaching. Whether it’s the head coach, an assistant, a coordinator, or any other member of the coaching staff, someone has to take the blame for your team’s poor play. Whether they aren’t making proper adjustments, starting the right players, or even motivate their team enough, every couch coach knows there’s always something that could be done to make this team better. Forget the years of experience, success, and accolades; every coach can morph into a virtual Neanderthal in his particular field overnight.
Ex. 2006 Alabama Crimson Tide (football)
Record: 6-7 (lost PetroSun Independence Bowl)
Ineptitude: Head Coach Mike Shula
Excuse: Have you seen him coach? Shula had no control over that locker room. Sure, he was a nice guy, but he displayed a complete inability to make halftime adjustments. Don’t get me started on his recruiting capabilities, or lack thereof. Who cares if he was under NCAA restrictions? He should be able to bring in talent! Brodie Croyle just made him look good!
Ex. 2001-2002 Carolina Tar Heels (basketball)
Record: 8-20 (4-12 ACC, failed to reach postseason)
Ineptitude: Head Coach Matt Doherty
Excuse: Matt Doherty had no clue how to run a team. The “climate” he created at Carolina was unhealthy at best, and he didn’t have the experience to win games or respect from his players. Doherty couldn’t get along with his staff or his team. He didn’t have it in him to win…
Additional Tips: Experience is key here. Lack of experience means the coach can’t deal with pressure or difficult circumstances. Adding in a “I knew we shouldn’t have hired (insert name here)” proves that you are, in fact, an expert at sports management and should be in line to be the next manager/director/team president.

3. Attitude. When the going gets tough, the tough get tougher. The weak fall apart. We’ve all seen these teams. Whether spoiled by success or broken by years of underachieving, players are simply moving through the motions with no drive or motivation. Lack of heart can usually be traced back to the head coach, but it can be the result of other things. For instance, a big contract extension can cause a player to be less motivated. Once he gets his money, he’s cruising to retirement. It could be a bad attitude, or a player ready to move on to something bigger and better.
Ex. 2005 Philadelphia Eagles
Record: 6-10 (failed to reach postseason)
Attitude Problem: WR Terrell Owens
Excuse: Owens started the 2005 season off on a bad note after a lengthy training camp holdout in hopes a better contract. Then, he spent most of the season sparring with QB Donovan McNabb and blaming him for the Eagles’ loss in Super Bowl XXXVIX. T.O. caused rifts in the locker room and his selfish attitude caused the Eagles to lose focus, especially after he was suspended for “conduct detrimental to the team”. He was egotistical! He wanted more money! He told reporters, “People hated on Jesus too!”
Ex. 2005-present New York Knicks
Record: Bad
Attitude Problem: Point Guard Stephon Marbury
Excuse: Marbury is all about himself. He recently missed a series against the Lakers because he flat-out refused to play! He was upset with his head coach about playing time, and left the team in Los Angeles. Then, Marbury told ESPN his coach couldn’t bench him because of the dirt he had. Marbury showed an inability to get along with his ANY of his coaches. He single-handedly chased former coach Larry Brown out of New York…
Additional Tip: Bring in the working class fans if you can. Bring in locker room drama. Bring in anything that might suggest the player doesn’t have team spirit. Your audience needs to know that the player’s attitude paralyzed adults from doing their jobs and destroyed your team!

4. Officiating. When all else fails, it’s because the refs hate your team.